Why Are Some People Not Being Helped?

We have all met or encountered those people  who are difficult to give a hand to, since they do not allow themselves to be helped. The most usual is that they correspond to one of two cases. Or are they the type of that type of person willing to help everyone, but find it difficult to receive help; or they are people who are in serious trouble and still do not accept anyone’s help.

In both cases, the situation is very frustrating for others. Whoever bumps into people like that cannot explain why they don’t allow themselves to be helped, even though they need it. The matter becomes irritating at times and could be interpreted as negligence or unwillingness to fix problems.

The truth is that this is almost never the case. The reasons why some people do not allow themselves to help fall into a problem  background. Although they suffer and need others, it is very difficult for them to lean on someone. It may be due to some unconscious blockage or simply because they have difficulty recognizing that they need to change.

Those who help everyone, but do not allow themselves to be helped

It is relatively common for those who help everyone to have trouble asking for or accepting help from others. These are people who have built an identity in which it is valid to give, but not to receive. They believe that their thing is to respond to the needs of the other, at the same time that they manage or ignore their own.

In one way or another they do not allow themselves to be helped by others because they think that in this way they would be betraying their “mission” in life, being incoherent with the image and the person they want to build (a totally independent one). They may also feel that accepting help from others is causing them a discomfort. In other words, create a problem for them. This causes them embarrassment.

There is also the case of those who do not allow themselves to be helped because they assume that enjoying this help generates a debt  that the other can collect whenever and however they want. They do not understand that it can be a satisfaction for others to help them and that this does not create compensation obligations. That is why sometimes it is necessary to make him see it, with affection.

Need help, but not accept it

The other case occurs with those people who do not allow themselves to be helped, despite going through very difficult situations. You can easily see  that they need others, but if someone tries to help them get out of their problem, they are rejected. The most typical example is someone who suffers from an addiction. Typically, they refuse, sometimes angrily, to accept that someone else lends a hand to get out of the situation in which they find themselves.

In those cases, the usual thing is that the person does not even admit that they have a problem. Thus, much less is she going to let them help her. Part of his problem consists precisely in the denial of it. It occurs with addicts, but also with people who are mired in depression, anxiety or any other disorder and have no or distorted awareness of it.

Oddly enough, in these cases the symptom itself is an adaptive response that the person has built to cope with his life. It is “adaptive” in the sense that it allows you to interpret reality in a way that you can move forward. For example, someone depressed builds the fantasy that they are sad because they are more sensitive than other people and not as a result of an illness. However, this fantasy allows him to explain his life and continue with it, even at the cost of much suffering.

What to do with those who do not allow themselves to be helped?

In the first case, that of those who help everyone, but do not allow themselves to be helped, the most advisable thing is to help clarify the situation. Let them see, with affection, that the interest in helping them stems from a genuine appreciation. And that being able to help them is a source of satisfaction, not sacrifice or great effort.

In the second case, that is, that of those who do not allow themselves to be helped even though they need it, the situation is a little more complex. What is required there is to have more patience and tact. Being there, taking an interest in that person and trying to accept them as they are turns out to be an excellent key for the other to open the doors for us and let us participate. The most important thing is not to give in to the temptation to push them all the time to change. Sometimes the concern for that person takes that form and then our intervention, loaded with all the good intentions in the world, ends up harming the other.

You have to respect the rhythms of each person. Most of the time they need time to understand that they need help. In the most serious cases, it is advisable to consult a professional, to know how to help and do it efficiently.