What Happens When Our Partner Does Not Share Our Ideas About Education?

In a previous article we talked about how to face the situation in which family and / or friends have opinions and do not share our vision about the education of our children. In this article I will talk about how to face this situation if the one who does not share your ideas is your partner. In an ideal world we would have talked to her about our life project together before starting it, this includes the children and the fundamental lines of their education in case of wanting to have them.

However, we do not live in an ideal world. Not much less. Couples require a constant effort to keep everything that brought them together alive, and when the children arrive, things can get complicated. Thus, the couple continues to have issues of union, but it is inevitable that changes and new debates will appear associated with the changes that occur within and in the environment of the couple.

Educating involves reliving our past

When we think about the educational project that we want for our children, we will have to face the mistakes that our parents made and that can be painful. We will have to reflect on the things that we did not like about our education and make it a goal not to repeat them. Not everyone is ready for it.

Getting in touch with our fragility, reliving the pain and experiences of children is something that not everyone wants to do. Some prefer to fool themselves and tell themselves that “despite the obstacles and mistakes, they have not turned out so badly” and that “that is the only thing we have seen, and therefore learned.” Many people prefer to go with the flow, let themselves be carried away, not think, and end up repeating physical and verbal violence, lack of respect and understanding with their children. Imitating precisely what they once hated.

It is a delicate situation, we love our partner, we try to put ourselves in their place, but we cannot forget that the priority is our children and that what we do is what we believe is best for them. The best thing would be for us to agree on how to educate them; something that can be achieved, but you have to work hard to achieve it. That is why I offer you some ideas that can help you in this mission.

Talk, read and discuss education

He talks a lot, faces those long and necessary discussions to reach consensus. It will wear you out, but it is a necessary wear for both of you to impose the same limits on your children. Talk about your ideas with your partner, with other parents, even with professionals. It is normal that you change your mind or that when you read something that you like you want to put it into practice. Talk it over with your partner so that he is always informed of the changes you are going to make; so both of you can act along a coherent line.

It is also normal that as your children grow, they change some ideas. It is important that you follow the same line, without forgetting the flexibility within that pedagogical line, both with your children and with your partner. What’s more, this flexibility will have to be greater as the children grow up, since little by little you will have to give them space for decisions and responsibilities.

Do not impose your point of view, discuss and share your passion with your partner. Open discussions and don’t close them without an agreement that you are both satisfied with. Listen to their opinion and find the middle ground – which does not necessarily have to be equidistant from the starting positions in the debate  – based on the information you have read or seen. Even if you can, I recommend that you see and discuss together possible dilemmas related to the changes that your children are going to experience in the near future.

Share information and lead by example

You can show him where you get all your ideas and, as I said before, you can read and watch documentaries or films related to education together. Your partner will likely want to do the same and share ideas that they disagree with with you. In this exchange there are arguments that are not valid, in the sense that they can contain a great fallacy. One of these arguments is that of: “I was educated like that and I did not turn out so badly.”

One of the best ways to convey the education you want is to practice it. For your partner to see how you handle different situations with your children, how you set limits and are assertive. Many times when he sees you act he will understand much better what you want. However, if the debate has been raised and you have not reached an agreement, the couple can get angry if we consider it closed and end up doing what we feel like, no matter how convinced we are that our way will be positive.

Thus, the example will serve to reaffirm agreements and not to try to tip the balance in favor of our ideas (unless our partner agrees that we put it into practice to analyze the consequences of the measure we intend to take). Thus, the example should never be a form of manipulation, a trick to impose itself without consensus.

Also, if you perceive that your partner is struggling to incorporate ideas and behaviors, try not to criticize them; If you are going to give him any advice,  do so in private and always in a constructive way. Keep in mind their intention to improve and be careful when you make criticisms or remarks. Otherwise your partner may feel attacked and it is likely that you will get the opposite result than you expect.

And children?

In general, our children will be surrounded by different ways of educating, just as they are surrounded by different people. In this sense, they will experience and know when we do not agree with some of the limits that other people mark for them. In these cases, it is best to have a quiet conversation with our children and make it clear to them what the fundamental norms of behavior are, regardless of who they are with.

Ask them how they felt and remind them that if they don’t like something they can say so. If we have to talk something to someone, we will have to do it with the adults in question. With children, especially when they are young, we will present but not debate.

And as for the couple, it is never good to have educational discussions in front of the children. Find private places to talk and make decisions. Having children witness arguments affects them a lot. They do not know how to handle the emotions that are provoked by couple arguments and tend to believe that they have provoked them. They can also take sides for the position that interests them the most and tip the balance (usually they are more savvy in this sense than we think) towards the one that least suits them.

It is also important to distinguish the battles, the limits that you think are harmful and that you think are fundamental lines within the educational style. With the rest you can consider giving in. Even if they are very trivial (such as cleaning the room beforehand or brushing teeth), maintain a dissonance of criteria.

Finally, I would like to tell you that the education of children is a path and a project that is built step by step and if possible together, but that nobody changes from one day to the next. Things, like everything else, need patience, time and constant reinforcement.

Being parents also implies working on empathy and the ability to put ourselves in the place of the other. Think that your partner is well-intentioned and, like you, cares about education. You also want to do it in the best way and you may have your reasons; Just because he doesn’t share your ideas doesn’t mean he wants to hurt them or that he’s wrong.