Wanting To Feel Important And Not Achieving It

Who doesn’t like to feel important or special to others? It is a completely legitimate and healthy human desire. However, sometimes wanting to feel important is not the same as achieving it. In fact, some people are frustrated by it and see themselves as “someone from the crowd” who would like to stop feeling that way.

The problem is not in that desire to receive recognition, arouse admiration or be significant in the lives of others. Perhaps what makes wanting to feel important a problem is what we mean by “important. ” Also the type of response we expect from others compared to what we are.

In colloquial language there are expressions that allude to all this. There is talk of “being someone” or “not being anyone.” These types of references lead us to think that being and existing does not give us a value by itself, but that existence itself is defined based on other factors. You are “nobody” or you are “someone” if you live within certain parameters. To what extent is this true?

Healthy ego and damaged or distorted ego

Buddhists and Lacanians say that the “I” or the “ego” is the source of suffering. With the obvious differences, both currents of thought point out that excessive emphasis on oneself does not help to see beyond, thus generating difficulties and, therefore, unhappiness. That me has a huge appetite. And the more it is fed, the more voracious it becomes.

If you start with the idea that we are not valuable enough, basically there will be nothing that makes us change our minds. It is a fact that we can highlight in some aspects, but not in all. However, by feeding the ego we place ourselves in a position where we will always be focused on what we lack, on what we have not achieved. That makes us very unhappy.

It also happens that sometimes a person has been exposed to environments that invalidate, belittle or simply ignore it. This gives rise to lasting wounds in self-esteem, especially if that environment is very close or these types of experiences occur during childhood. In those cases, a desire for vindication appears that could be exaggerated. This is when a person develops an excessive desire to want to feel important.

Wanting to feel important

Anthropological studies show us that there are societies in which only warriors are really valued. Others, on the other hand, demerit those who do not maintain a peaceful position with themselves and with the world . For some, it is only “someone” who shows signs of being violent enough to impose himself on others. For the others, that same person would be “nobody”.

In that somewhat extreme example, should the naturally peaceful person turn violent, just for the purpose of feeling important to their group? Or should he who is a warrior by nature have to pacify himself completely so that he is the object of admiration of those around him?

The ego’s trap is precisely there: that wanting to feel important can lead, in some circumstances, to disfigure or deny who we are. Everything, simply to obtain the approval or the exaltation of the others. The question is is it worth it?

Shine with your own light

It is not for nothing that Socrates’ phrase was engraved at the entrance to the famous Oracle of Delphi: ” Know yourself .” Knowing yourself thoroughly is the first act of self-love that anyone should give themselves. And knowing oneself is not making a list of virtues and defects, but understanding what we are. Our history. Our fears and strengths. Our talents and gaps.

Perhaps our main duty is to incessantly polish what we are to bring it to the maximum possible fullness. More than admiration, what we really need is acceptance, support and affection. Now, this is not something that “comes” into our lives, but we build it by accepting, supporting and loving others. All of this is what really leads us to heal the ego. To genuinely value ourselves, just as we are. In this way, the desire to want to stand out at all costs is dissipated.

Wanting to feel important to others is an ego trap. In general, it only leads to frustrations because the opinion of others is changing and fleeting. Because we are human and we can’t always get it right. Also because that admiration, unlike true affection, does not fill. It generates satisfaction, but it fades quickly. It is a mirage that disappears and leaves only voids behind.