The Disappointment In The Couple

What to do when we are faced with a disappointment in the couple? Perhaps thousands of doubts arise. Although, it will depend on the depth to which what happened to each of us has penetrated.

For some people, experiencing a disappointment in their partner makes it difficult for them to reconcile with them, recycling that point in the story in the trash can. Knowing that the person they love has “failed” them questions everything they knew about the other up to that point. In order for them to be okay again, they would have to earn their trust again.

But, how do we ensure that, after suffering a disappointment in the couple, trust does not suffer to a point of no return? Is it possible that the relationship will recover or even improve? Who will it depend on and to what degree? Next, we will talk about 4 different ways of change.

Situation of discomfort: when a disappointment appears in the couple

When a person is in a situation of discomfort within the couple’s relationship and decides that he needs to change, this change can occur in four different ways :

• The change of oneself.
• Change of the two.
• The change of the other.
• The separation as a definitive separation, the suppression of the relationship.

The change in oneself

When a situation of discomfort appears in the relationship of the couple, a person may decide to take care of their own need without counting on the other person. She thinks that she can take the reins herself to change her mood. Thus, in this taking of measurements, the person can start spending more time with friends or doing more activities outside the home.

Certainly, from the beginning of circularity, this change will also produce a change in the couple. That is, in this case the changes will be produced in a reactive way to the change that appears in the other.

The change in the two

One of the members of the couple communicates to the other his discomfort in the relationship and makes a proposal for change. The shared feeling is that this way, as a couple, they are not going anywhere; If you continue with the same routines, the relationship will end up broken.

The two take on responsibilities, making efforts to change. The crisis of the couple is faced by both in the same way, with the help of a professional or without therapy, rowing the two in the same direction.

The change in the other

In couples therapy, many times we find that behind the request for therapy there is a desire for the other to change.

For example, it is common for one of the two to convince the other to go to therapy together. However, there is a clear condition or condition of the cause of the discomfort, “if the other changes, the relationship will improve. “

In most of the couple therapies that arise from this demand and the therapeutic process is going well, there are two types of situations :

• Whoever wants change, while wanting changes in the other, is consciously assuming personal changes that during the therapeutic process will generate changes in the other person.

In the systemic approach to couples, the expression of Minuchin (1997) is fundamental when he said that in the sphere of the couple, one is the relational context of the other. In this way, if one of them changes as the context of the other, it undoubtedly changes. In other words, the change would start with oneself. On the contrary, normally, when in the couple one insists that the other change without assuming personal changes, nothing happens more than an increase in disappointment in the couple.

• At other times, therapy goes well because they realize that the type of interaction they have developed between the two of them is something very difficult to change. Sometimes, there are things that are not easy to change, accepting that “this is what there is” and renouncing the change, is already a change.

Separation as a definitive separation

Practically most professionals agree that, when there is a separation process, there are two types of couples : those who reach agreements very easily and those who prefer to keep the conflict alive.

Thus, it will depend on each couple to choose one form or another of breakup and the type of disappointment that has triggered the relationship to end completely.