Silent Mothers In Child-parent Violence

Child-parent violence (CPV) is a growing phenomenon in Spain. According to the Amigó Foundation, each year more than 4,000 new files are opened in relation to parents who are victims of the violence of a child. In 2016 alone, 4,898 complaints were registered.

Within this growing type of conflict, the aggressor child tends, as a general rule, to rage in a special way with a member of the family: his mother.

This usually plays a fundamental role in the maintenance of child-parent violence due to the response it gives to the aggressions of her child: silence. Why are these mothers keeping quiet?

What is child-parent violence?

Child-parent violence is not limited to physical abuse. Authors such as Calvete, Orue and Sampedro (2014) understand child-parent violence as an act perpetrated by a minor towards his / her parent, which causes him / her to feel threatened, intimidated and in danger.

This act can range from physical to verbal, psychological, material or financial abuse. These aggressive behaviors are used by the minor to achieve their goals. They invert the hierarchical pyramid to establish complete control over what is done or not done — the limits and norms of the parents are not relevant to them.

Authors such as Garrido (2005) speak of the “emperor syndrome”. This includes egocentric minors , with low tolerance for frustration and very little empathy in general, but much less towards their parents.

Why are mothers the main victims of child-parent violence?

Although the violence of a child is suffered by all members of the family unit, both siblings, parents, grandparents or anyone who lives in the domestic unit, the truth is that this phenomenon has an especially relevant impact on the mother figure.

There are various theories that try to explain why the abusive adolescent is especially cruel to his mother, and not to his father.

Authors such as Cottrell (2004) point out that one of the reasons may lie in the way that both fathers and mothers deal with violence in a child. While a father responds equally aggressively or separates abruptly, these authors point out that mothers tend to get closer to the aggressor.

Not only that, but mothers are also considered physically weaker than fathers. For this reason, the minor who abuses perceives that he is physically superior to his mother and that his response to his aggression – if it is an aggressive response – will not be able to inflict the same damage as a response from his father.

The idea that the mother is weaker continues to be nurtured by the society in which these minors grow up. Calcedo (2018) expresses how these messages of control and submission towards women are adopted by aggressive children, ending up considering their mother the weakest link.

The mother’s silence and guilt

Faced with this situation, many of us may think that the logical reaction would be to throw the son out of the house and report him. However, this is not the usual response of parents who are victims of abuse from their children, especially mothers.

But why are mothers silent? Why do they disclose the abuse situation long after it is taking place? It seems that the investigations converge on the same emotion: guilt. Mothers do not talk about the assaults because they feel guilty and fear being blamed by others.

Authors such as Williams, Tuffin, and Niland (2016) found that mothers who were victims of child-parent violence silenced attacks, including their circle of friends and family, for various reasons that are expressed below.

Avoid being blamed for your children’s aggressive behavior

These mothers not only live in a very stressful, disruptive and violent situation; When they talk about the abuse they suffer from their children, they are usually pointing fingers. It’s your fault! You have educated him! Raise crows that will gouge your eyes out! Ignorance is evident with this type of judgment that only aggravates an already extremely complicated situation.

Avoid an aggressive reaction from the minor

On numerous occasions and faced with the unknown about what would happen at the legal level if one denounces a child, these mothers keep silent about the abuse for fear of causing more abuse by their children.

These mothers are without effective tools to manage violence and aggressive reactions from their children. If they have not managed to do it so far, it is inevitable to think that perhaps a complaint will not reduce the aggressiveness of their children, on the contrary. 

The attribution of guilt and responsibility is not something that is limited only to the average citizen, but is also expressed by professionals whose job is, in theory, to provide help to the mother. In addition, it is possible to think that after a complaint the son may continue to go home and the mother may continue to be unprotected.

The shame of not being a good mother

Many mothers remain silent not only for fear of being blamed for their child’s behavior but also for the shame they feel at considering themselves bad mothers or bad educators. These mothers harbor intense feelings of guilt, making causal relationships in a multifactorial phenomenon.

Authors such as March (2017) assure that child-parent violence does not emanate exclusively from poor parenting practices and that these are not necessary for the abuse to take place. This author defends that there is no clear family prototype or a profile of the abuser.

However, mothers do not usually understand the etiology of the conflict as varied  and the shame of being the cause of it causes, according to Jackson (2003), together with the anguish, that these mothers remain silent.

The deterioration of an already damaged relationship

Another reason why mothers are silent and remain silent is found in their fear that their relationship with their child will deteriorate even more. According to March (2017), parents feel that they are betraying their children when they report them or when they ask for help.

Silence perpetuates aggression

Silence in mothers is a problem in solving the conflict of child-parent violence. These mothers are without skills, resources or tools.

However, in the face of abuse, their mental health is increasingly deteriorated and they are more in need of reassurance. To obtain this peace at home, mothers are silent and grant, without contradicting their children.

This silence reinforces his abusive behavior, as the minor learns that his mother will be silent in the face of his violence. This silence is maintained, according to Molla and Aroca (2018), until the mother cannot take it anymore, at which point the son further radicalizes his aggressiveness to regain control.

Therefore, the silence of these mothers is everyone’s business. Understanding what child-parent violence is, understanding that it is not a consequence of parental malpractice – at least directly – and avoiding at all costs to blame them for the nefarious, aggressive and unacceptable behavior of their children can be measures that we can all adopt so that, instead of being silent, these mothers scream and ask for help.