Communicate Directly Or Beat Around The Bush?

With regard to communication, especially in the family, there are roughly two types: open and closed communication. The first refers to direct communication, without detours, in which what is meant is what is expressed. And the second, to a less direct communication, generally defensive, with jokes that mask hurtful hints and words that want to express something other than what is said.

Differences, advantages and disadvantages between the two

Phrases like “how nice it would be if someone helped me move this table” are obvious examples of closed communication. That “someone” is not an ethereal being, but the person in front of the person saying the phrase. Therefore, it is an indirect and not explicit message, which seeks for a second to be taken for granted. 

By contrast, in the same situation, direct communication would express something like “can you help me move the table?” In this case, the person receiving the message tends to feel that they have the freedom to choose whether or not they want to help the other. While, in the first sentence, the indirect and closed expression makes the person receiving the message feel, in a certain way, pressured and obliged to do what is being “asked” of him.

This nuance is important, because it can totally change the arrangement of the other.

The main advantage of open communication is that it is less aggressive (in linguistic terms) than closed communication. Thus, in facilitating families, this type of exchange abounds, so that the children who grow up in this type of home tend to be people with high self-esteem, confidence in themselves and in others. And they adopt in their day-to-day clear and direct communication, with well-planned objectives.

With regard to closed communication, it usually occurs in families with little adaptive dynamics, in which children tend to have low self-esteem, a level of indirect and aggressive communication, unclear objectives and distrust of others.

Open and closed communication in the family environment

From a young age we can perceive the type of communication that exists at home. And that can end up marking the rest of our lives, although it is not decisive. It is possible to modify this communicative dynamic. To achieve these changes, knowing what is happening to us, what is happening around us and learning to care about ourselves is essential, since, little by little, we can move from what we live to what we want to live.

The latter, taken to the matter of communication, would be to go from a closed communication to an open and more mature communication. And even if what we lived at home was open communication, it can always be improved.

Hence, a first step, if you notice that your family tends more to the closed communication style than to open communication, you can find this support, guidance and intervention in psychologists.

So what type of communication do we want to embrace? What style of communication do we want to transmit to our children? It is known that when a child is told “no, why not” he does not understand the reason for the refusal. But if you say “no, because you can hurt yourself, because if you run through this place you can hit yourself” the child will understand what you are talking about. And, therefore, it is very likely that you will put the advice that you are giving into practice.

Therefore, whenever we can (and not only with children) we try to give direct, clear and straightforward explanations, that gives freedom to choose who receives our message. And it frees us from giving long and tedious explanations; and thus avoiding manipulations towards other people to achieve a certain purpose.