Children In The Shadow Of Super-moms

Mother, a very big word. Beautiful for many, with a large number of meanings, around which memories, essences and, of course, children grow. However, it is also a role that has limits, as the person who performs it and exceeding them can endanger both the mother and the children, making them dependent and insecure.

I do not pretend that this is another article that lists the things we do wrong, so I want to talk about the behaviors and attitudes that we can do to balance our role as mothers, without trying to monopolize or control everything, leaving a space for the capacities of our children face challenges that motivate their development. For their sake and also for yours.

I only want the best for my children

This message reflects one of the axioms that many mothers abide by. It is an ambiguous message, since it starts from the desire of the parents and does not take into account the children, as people with their own desires and needs. In this sense, it resembles the message that says  “I only want my children to have what I did not have (that they do not lack anything).”

Each child is unique and has individual needs, tastes and personality, but when parents, and especially mothers, have wishes and fantasies for their children, it is difficult to give them their own voice and listen to what they have to say.  What sport or extra-school activity they want to do, what they want to eat, how they want to dress or what they want to study or do with their life.

The mission of mothers is to  be helpers and accompany the growth of their children, not wish for them:  the best for a mother may not be the best for her child. As when they are young, children are dependent on their parents both financially and in terms of love and affection they can end up putting their parents’ wishes before their own.

Listen before directing

Children, no matter how small and defenseless they may seem, have tastes and desires from an early age. Giving them options and decision-making capacity encourages this characteristic and makes them feel special and confident when gradually conquering their autonomy. Parents think we know what is best for our children, but if we make decisions for them we make them insecure.

From a young age we can involve our children in decisions, giving them closed options for dinner or lunch. For example, being able to choose the type of fish they prefer or consulting them about some changes that we will make, such as modifying the decoration of their room. In the event that they cannot decide, inform them and make them participate in family decisions, such as moving or changing schools.

Autonomy = Trust

We mothers will always see our children as helpless little ones and it is very difficult for us to promote their autonomy. However, not doing so can lead to dependent children who do not know how to do things for themselves or who know how to do them but who do them with great insecurity.

Encouraging autonomy can be done from a very young age. The implementation of this claim begins by not doing anything that the child can do for himself. It can be started as early as 8 or 9 months, for example, by introducing the Baby-Led Weaning method or complementary feeding on demand.

Another way to promote the independence of our children is to involve them in household chores: to help us take out the garbage, make their beds or put the washing machine, take care of their pets or plants, even help with food preparation or cleaning based on your abilities. Yes, they are usually more than we suppose.

Kids love it and it makes them feel useful. As I have said before,  we can encourage autonomy even from a young age. However, if we have not done so, we are always on time to start. I assure you that by doing so we will not only stop being their “directors”, but we will raise children capable of solving their problems, with greater self-esteem and self-confidence.

Be someone in life

In today’s world we suffer from “titulitis” and parents allow ourselves to be influenced by this and prioritize our children’s studies and grades over other experiences, equally or more enriching, but that do not directly increase the grade in any subject. Education and studies become the fundamental and almost the only thing that matters for our children.

We centralize everything in this conception of education (very restricted), we punish or scold them when they do not get good grades, we make them dedicate their afternoons to books, weekends and vacations so that they study. Also,  when our children fail we look for a cognitive disorder or problem behind their school failure.

To avoid this, mothers do not hesitate to sacrifice their free time to study or do homework with their children. They control that they carry out their homework and even do it for them so that they get good marks. However, our job is to provide them with adequate time and space and help them organize themselves properly, encourage them but not do it for them. As they grow, children have to understand that homework is their responsibility and that it has three purposes and only makes sense if they respond to them:

• Consolidate what was learned in class.
• Deepen what was learned in class.
• Create a work routine.

It is difficult to grow up with our children, to go little by little giving them a space that allows them to grow and in which there are challenges that compromise and stimulate their abilities. However, it is necessary. As necessary as providing them with a home, food or clothing. In this sense, the mother protector and director has to gradually give way to the mother who accompanies and encourages, who gives her opinion but does not decide.

This implies that we are going to have to support them in dreams and goals that we do not like. They may not be the ones we would have chosen for them, but let’s not forget that it is their life, not ours, and that as adults we have great power to make it wonderful, but also to frustrate their dreams. It is this, and no other, really the true sacrifice that education requires.