Beyond Self-esteem: Self-awareness, Self-acceptance And Self-motivation

Self-esteem is a subject with a certain prominence in our days. A large number of self-help books, talks and workshops refer to this concept as one of the fundamental keys to feeling good about ourselves and achieving happiness anxiety.

Now, does it really make us happier and help us succeed? Of course that’s what they promise us. However, the fact that it is a very recurring theme also opens up more possibilities for it to be misunderstood, misused and that it finally ends up not corresponding with its true meaning. Let’s go deeper.

The myth of self-esteem

The word self-esteem has different interpretations.

• The humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers defined it as the constitution of the basic core of the personality and explained that at the root of many problems is a strong feeling of self-contempt.
• For her part, the American psychotherapist Virginia Satir affirmed that self-esteem was constituted by the experience of feeling worthy of being loved and by the feeling of feeling capable.
• According to Nathaniel Branden, self-esteem corresponded to the experience and possibility of leading a meaningful life, encompassing two essential components: a feeling of personal worth and a feeling of personal capacity.
• While for the psychiatrist Luis Rojas Marcos, it is defined as the feeling of appreciation or rejection resulting from the global assessment that the person makes of himself.

However, one of the most common is the one who considers that having self-esteem is making positive evaluations and judgments about oneself and believing them.

On the other hand, in addition to different conceptions of this concept, there are also a series of popular statements or beliefs about self-esteem that most people consider valid:

• Increased self-esteem improves performance levels.
• People with higher self-esteem are likeable, make a better impression on others, and have better relationships.
• Those with high self-esteem are better leaders.

Now, are these statements true? To answer this question, in 2003, the APA (American Psychological Association) commissioned a team of psychologists from prestigious universities to do research on it. Researchers reviewed a large number of studies and looked for scientific evidence to confirm or disprove these popular beliefs and ultimately found them to be false.

However, the group of researchers discovered a series of very striking aspects about self-esteem:

• The high levels of self – esteem are closely related to selfishness, narcissism and arrogance.
• The high self – esteem is related to a greater number of prejudice and discrimination.
• Finally, they also found that high levels of self-esteem are related to self-deception and the adoption of defensive attitudes in the face of sincere comments. 

Incredible true? Undoubtedly, these results invite us to reflect on the concept of self-esteem and all that it entails. And more if we take into account that when people with low self-esteem try to encourage themselves through positive affirmations, they end up feeling worse. So what can we do?

There are other more important aspects …

According to psychotherapist Russ Harris, self-acceptance, self-awareness, and self-motivation are more important than self-esteem.

The power of self-awareness

Self-awareness is the key that opens the door to self-acceptance, self-motivation, and self-esteem. It is about the ability to be aware of our thoughts, feelings, and actions.

All this entails an adequate management of emotions, which means that we will not let ourselves be carried away by our impulses and feelings, but rather that we will learn how to identify, experience and manage them.

The importance of accepting yourself

Accepting oneself is also important because it implies that even though we fail, make mistakes and the circumstances do not occur as we thought, we will have our support free of judgment. 

This is not to say that we do not pay attention to how we behave and that we forget the consequences and impact of our actions, but simply that we will not attack each other harshly, criticize ourselves or treat each other badly. 

We cannot forget that making mistakes is a fundamental aspect of the learning process, but beating ourselves up for it is not – even if we have trained our minds for years. Because at some point was it worth it?

Now, knowing it does not prevent it from happening and more so when we have been with this habit for so long. What we can do is begin to let go of judgments about ourselves, both positive and negative.

• If our mind begins to attack or praise us, the ideal is that we label these kinds of thoughts as “judgments”, observe them and let them go. Because our mind is not us. 
• Words are just words, what matters is: are they useful? Now, we also have the experience that those we tell ourselves change like the wind. Some days our mind will tell us that we are wonderful people and others that we are selfish and stupid. The key is not to believe what he tells us because, after all, they are just stories.
• The things we do and how we behave are more important than the stories we tell ourselves.

• You also have to stop judging others. This will only reinforce the habit of classifying people -and ourselves- according to certain categories and the truth is that there are no “winners” and “losers”, but people who sometimes lose, sometimes win … The nuances, the alternatives, the grayscales are there.

How can we motivate ourselves?

Self-motivation is another important aspect that according to Harris is above self-esteem. It’s about that dose of energy that helps us walk the path to our goals. Now, how can we get it?

The first thing is to be clear that motivation is simply the desire to do something. And then, knowing what decisions we want to make and which of our values ​​can sustain them. In a way, these work like a compass: they help us stay on course. The next step is to get engaged.

In addition, it is important to be careful with our mind when we experience lack of motivation, as it will remind us that we are not disciplined or have willpower, thoughts that can break our degree of involvement and commitment.

• So when the mind sends us the message that we are not motivated, we have to recognize that this is impossible. Every action we take is always trying to achieve something. Then, let’s reflect on what kind of desire we experience: is it the desire to avoid discomfort or is it the desire to act with our values ​​and enrich our lives?

• Then it is advisable to ask ourselves that if we let that desire govern our actions, would it do so in the direction we want?
• And finally, reflect on the idea that if we were not motivated, would we be willing to do what would enrich our lives?

The answers to these questions will show us in which territory we want to move and to what extent we are motivated to achieve what we want.

As we can see, being aware of ourselves, of all our repertoire (emotional, cognitive and behavioral), accepting ourselves as we are and being able to motivate ourselves from our values ​​are basic pillars on which to support and fundamental if we want to feel good about ourselves. . Because then, how are we going to value ourselves and live fully?