Approaching Reality After Falling In Love

When the idealized infatuation ends , in which everything is perfect and we have barely been able to see the defects of the other person, is when the true test begins, the transformative and creative process, in which you learn to love the other person from a perspective more realistic.

In this process, which is outside of idealization, in which we can see our partner with their reality as a whole, there is, in turn, a greater approach to mutual knowledge.

Thus we can see more clearly the shortcomings, defects and what we do not like about each other. It is an opportunity to strengthen the bond of the couple, observing that despite finding things that we do not like about the other person, we can accept them as they are.

Under this mutual knowledge, when the true essence of the other is not accepted, we fall into the error of trying to change what we do not like. This is something that will contaminate the relationship, since it ends up leading to demands and frustrations.

Creativity for the care of love in the couple

In the relationship, there is no doubt that we have to accept certain frustrations if we are really willing to maintain the relationship, and we feel that we love the other person.

This experience supposes a continuous path of learning in which we can get to know ourselves better, and we obtain a greater maturation, both personally and as a couple.

It is important to realize that on many occasions the couple relationship is used, without realizing it, to repair childhood wounds, looking for that person who heals the pain of our inner child, and who provides us with what we need.

If we can come to realize this, we will see how certain deep needs that we have, only we can repair them ; so carrying these needs to our partner will only serve us to experience greater frustration.

The psychotherapist Tan Nguyen proposes 5 phases of creativity in couple relationships, which would go through: 

1 Recognition of scripts

Become aware of our history in relation to love, both with family and with previous couples, since we tend to reproduce the same scripts that we have learned, about family schemes and our affective and loving life; thus repeating failures, disappointments and ruptures.

When the couple begin to put conditions like: “I love you if you give me security, if you are tender and affectionate with me.” This permanent test collides with the daily reality of the couple, which causes tensions between two egos.

2 Disidentify from the past

Once we have become aware of our past, and of our script in relationships, of mistakes that are repeated. We can mark distance and get away from what we reproduce again, in such a way that we can understand that the present is another.

3 Take care of yourself

In order not to fall into the error of pretending that it is our partner who heals the wounds of our past, it is essential to accept our history and our script in couple relationships.

4 Integration

In this phase the important thing is to learn to integrate, assuming responsibility, checking how conflicts that were motivated by guilt and demands no longer arise .

5 Creation

Remove from our relationship bond the projections that we make towards our partner, leave our point of reference and improvise, giving it the form that we want to the relationship.

Do not get stuck each in their relationship history, keep in mind that each couple is unique and original, each with their circumstances and their particular way of bonding. So that we get our relationship to flow through creativity  and not be stagnant.

“Flow implies taking responsibility for your course, taking advantage of the tide of life. Something very different from being carried away by the flow ”.

Pepa Arcay

Consulted bibliography:

– Sanz, F. (1995). Loving bonds: loving from identity in reunion therapy . Kairos.